two thousand nine.

christmas came and went pretty fast in our little apartment. this year came and went pretty fast. i'm excited for a new year, though. my new years resolution is to continue to not have a resolution.

i don't want to be at work today.
i'm going to mom's later to do laundry.
i miss my kennewick family.

Chris and I went over to see mom and dad yesterday and steal some enchiladas. Hello, you should meet chris. i like him.

I've been alive for 21 years.
happy new year, world.
here's to 21 more.

hello world.

i dont post on here nearly enough. work has been keeping me so busy that i never have a chance to. i can't believe that the year is practically over. this one went by the fastest. i'm not going to lie, that even with all the newlyweds, new babies and babies brewing in bellies... i still like the fact that in my world, its just me. i wish i could kiss you all on your little cheeks. merry chirstmas happy new year.
XOXO gossip girl

(so local, even the seagulls are bored.)

i've stumbled i mumbled

a poem.


i am a moth who just wants to share your light
i like the way your words
fog my air and the
way they leave me gripping the
last hoping for more. all i
want of you is more. and more.

and more.
and more.
and
amore'

you're my favorite speckled egg.

"we are such spend-thrifts with our lives. The trick of living is to slip on and off the planet with the least fuss you can muster. I'm not running for sainthood. I just happen to think that in life we need to be a little like the farmer, who puts back into the soil what he takes out."

-paul

grim

i registered to vote.

i'm still not sure if i'm actually GOING to vote.

but i'm still a licensed voter for cripes sakes.

i'm moving tomorrow.

bye.

new post

i can hear presley all the way downstairs from up in my room. i think she's singing "crinkle crinkle star" or maybe its "dabay to you" thats happy birthday. presley is becoming my best little friend. sometimes she'll make this strange rumbling noise and look at me with a weird smile because she wants me to say "presley, did you just burp" then she'll do it again and again until the rumble turns into a scream. we took a nap in my bed yesterday and she pulled her big girl legs out of the blanket and set them right on top of my belly. i can't believe how big she's getting. i remember the day we met and how brave and protective i had to be in that scary hospital. i remember how calm natalie seemed and i couldn't believe it because i was a nervous mother/sister wreck and i thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest. it seems like we were in the room for hours before anyone else in the family finally showed up. we were all scattered around not expecting this at all, but when the time came and it happened, we all gathered into that little hospital room and sat quietly. dad in a chair by the window, grandma sitting down then standing up then sitting then standing. jade and i in another corner. mom and chaz in their white scrubs holding natalie's hand as they wheeled her away. i don't think much was said between the four of us while she was gone.


it definitely didn't go how we were expecting it to go. the birth story that is. but all that follows is nothing short of a teeny tiny little presley baby miracle.

and my best friend.

friday.

i turned off my alarm clock this morning and slept in. Got up, showered, went to work. Thats my life now, get up, shower, work. and sometimes finding spaces to stick a few things in between waking up, showering, going to work and then back to bed. Today is supposed to be my half work day but mike asked me to stay until he got back from his meeting, so i'm here, an hour after i was supposed to be off. Just waiting around and being the fairy godmother to the secretaries and doing things like opening the mail and filing. I'm in second place for the longest time spent as a Larson JUB employee. 4 years in August.

BAH! what am i some sort of total nerd?

yes.
Publish Post

long gone

i'm still waiting for my something special.









i'm excited for my dc trip with jeff. i smell lots of museums and wandering time.
i'm excited for my new business lady/career woman job. it makes me feel important...
i ate a lot of purple grapes, taught presley how to say please, and edited a 1000 page document today.

i might even go make cookies before i go to bed.

i feel like i never have time to talk to anyone anymore... and that no one knows anything about my life.
i'm here.
i'll start writing more.

goodnight flicker bugs.

a poem

We're connected to the world

In the way that our tears

Are made of salt water. And

When we cry – we cry pieces of the ocean.

We're connected to the world

In the way that

our lungs are made of

tree roots and branches. And

when we exhale

we pollinate that world

with our souls and hearts and beauty.

We're connected to the world

In the way that

The place it's oxygen goes when it

Gets sucked into our bodies

Is right into our core –

The very shelf that

Holds our soul.

We're connected to the world

In the way that

We leave footprints in the mud. And

the way those footprints create

Maps of each of our lives

Forever pounded into the earth.

We're connected to the world

In the way that

When it spins

We don't get dizzy.

And as the earth rotates

On it's invisible axis,

So do we.

And the only true way to tell

How old we really are

Is to cut us in half

And count the rings on our stumps.

Or the black dots on our little red backs.

Or to add 7 years to every 1 year.

And when we die,

I like to think that if you

Opened us up

You'd find the most

perfect,

rare,

round,

beautiful,

Pearl.

[The one the earth planted deep inside of us when we were born.]

we can't always be lovely and glowing

"i want to get lost.
I want to find meaning alone by myself.
an exploration that will take me far and wide.
bare.
i must go!
where shall i begin?
lost is where i'll be found."

so i spent all of last week taking construction courses for work. i guess so i can get better at my job. i remember dad saying to me: this is a hard course, it's going to take a lot of work, we'd like to be sure you're willing to commit to it and stay working with us here for a while.

i said i was.
i think that was a lie.
well, it wasn't at the time. but it is now. and here's the reason why:

i shouldn't feel like i have anything holding me back.
from going
and living
and being
and creating
and loving

from living.

i want to explore my young 20 year old life.
i dont want to be the construction administration lady.
i want to be the traveler.
the explorer.

i want to make beautiful art from all corners of the world.

and what better time to do it than now?

so, thats what i'm going to do.

[i'm going to fall out of line.]

oh me oh my

i got some new pants and a sweater from UO this weekend.
sometimes i'm glad we finally got one here... but then it takes all the fun out of wanted to go to seattle to shop there.

when i bend my knees they crackle like a fire. no joke. its sick.

i went and saw dan in real life at the dollar theater. i think i liked it. i want to buy the soundtrack. maybe i just liked the music. thats all.

i'm renting out my lovesac (blissbag) so if anyone wants to come share a room with me, i'd be delighted.

sometimes

i just want to scream:

I'M STILL HERE TOO!



you know?

business woman

today mike asked me if i would consider being his sort of personal assistant. i said yes. we're hiring a new secretary to work part time in the afternoons... so i will no longer be a receptionist.

wooooooo.


i've been listening to damien rice - i remember
over and over and over
everytime it ends, i want to hear it again.


i need to take a shower.
bye.

casper the friendly ghost

i worked until midnight last night.
i'm worn out.
it sucks that since i dont have a husband or children, that means i can afford to do things like work on a proposal until the wee hours.

i just remembered that we have a typewriter laying around somewhere in the office. i hope we didn't throw it away because i want to take it home.

i think i'll take presley to the mall today.

bye.

“This church does not belong to its President. Its head is the Lord Jesus Christ, whose name each of us has taken upon ourselves. We are all in this great endeavor together. We are here to assist our Father in His work and His glory. . . . Your obligation is as serious in your sphere of responsibility as is my obligation in my sphere. No calling in this church is small or of little consequence.”

black magic

me, mom and presley had a sick day. we went to cafe rio and costco.
annnnnd mom bought me the Magic Bullet.

i dont know if anyone could understand how happy i am.
i already made a strawberry-raspberry-peach smoothie.
its so good i could cry.

let me know if you ever have anything that needs to be bulleted.
not to be confused with mulleted.

i cant do that.

sick day

i'm really sick today.
i'm waiting for mom to wake up and eating elmo oatmeal.
i don't know where natalie and jade an presley are.
i really need to get ready and go to the rest of work
but i'm useless.
i hate the days that i call in sick when i really am sick
because you can't do anything fun.
someone bring me some orange juice
and 15 movies.
thanks.

andre breton

i've been reading lots and lots of essays and manifestos by this guy named Andre' Breton. and i think he is so dope. he's one of the smartest writers and i find myself not being able to stop thinking about what he has to say. he started the surrealism movement way back in the 1920's and i'm totally into it. mostly the "automatic writing". where you sort of just stop thinking and start writing as fast as possible:

"Put yourself in as passive, or receptive, a state of mind as you can. Forget about your genius, your talents, and the talents of everyone else. Keep reminding yourself that literature is one of the saddest roads that leads to everything. Write quickly, without any preconceived subject, fast enough so that you will not remember what you're writing and be tempted to reread what you have written. The first sentence will come spontaneously, so compelling is the truth that with every passing second there is a sentence unknown to our consciousness which is only crying out to be heard." - Andre' Breton.

so i really tried it. and this is what i got:


gravity to be able to feel what i've never felt before. to understand a logic beyond reasoning. to listen undoubtedly to every motion beneath the ground. to be unaware of the entire world and its surrounding planets. to give to myself this one moment of complete and necessary freedom that which i cannot obtain in any other way than through this second released into time just moments ago. to fully understand the thoughts that boil deep within me and to set them into paper.



you can think its cool, or really lame, or maybe sort of crazy. maybe it doesn't make sense to you at all. but to me. it all makes perfect sense. and all i want is to learn more and more and more and more and just keep reading. surrealism is cool.

full-time friend

tyson and i had an FYE extravaganza last night. HA i don't think i've ever used the word "extravaganza" before. we bought 5 new movies and a daniel johnston cd. if you've never heard of or listened to daniel johnston, i suggest you start. he's true life mental, but thats why i love him.

probably mostly because i'm true life mental.

i'm really sleepy and would like to not be at work anymore except danielle just brought bagels so my life is still worth living.

is it sad that i get really really excited when new office supplies come

its like a secretary's christmas.

sometimes we throw in little extras like pink sharpies and flower shaped sticky notes. haaaa. who am i? Ann?

sometimes this city feels like an expensive tomb

honest on all my stars that this is exactly what i look like right now.




and yes, that is chips and salsa you're seeing. i'm trying to reach over them to type and i probably look really silly. i'm just sitting here waiting for tyson to get off work so we can go to sugarhouse even though the coolness doesnt really exist in that place anymore. i'm pretty sure that the night i drove by and saw that my favorite coffee shop had closed down, that pieces of me closed down too. i need to start painting again. i have some penciled up canvases that are just waiting to be filled. and i beat tyson in ping pong for the first time the other day and then i saw something really funny in their garbage can:



yes, thats a ouija board.




goodnight.

stranger danger

mmmhmm yep. i made one. my life is completely BORING so i'm not even sure what i'm going to write about. revising RFI reports, and getting audited by UDOT i guess. i dont have any children or a husband or anything and i just work everyday. probably im the lamest 20 year old ever. buuuuut i just want to leave everyone silly comments, so i made one. and we can pretend like we're not 8 million miles away. i'm going to eat some chips. if anyone wants to learn how to enter pay estimates into PDBS, i'll teach you.

p.s. i refuse to capitalize.