I wrote this two weeks ago and have been deciding whether or not I should post it.
I guess it's important to say what you're really feeling though, maybe even if its just to help someone else understand what is happening deep down inside themselves too.
Also because we don't always have to hold back and be alone in our sadness.
It’s coming up quickly. One year. One year since our worlds were rocked and our hearts were knocked out of place.
Your heart and your body. It remembers things. Even if so many months have gone by and you think you feel ok. And you think you can look back and have memories and not get that sinking feeling in your guts. You still remember. You still feel it. You feel it like it was just barely. It still knocks the wind out of you. When you’re driving alone in your car. Or sitting at work. Or in a song you’ve heard a million times except for that this time it’s different. Sometimes I try to suck back my tears. Sometimes I think about my mom and how, if it hurts me this much, it must be hurting her that much. Sometimes I just let the tears fall out of me, for as long as they need to. I’m not sure where I’ll be or how it will really feel on April 23, 2012. But I know how it felt one year ago. And I know how every month since then has felt. And I try to be thankful for all of the opportunities that have fallen into place for me since then. But sometimes, I just think: it’s still not fair. It’s never going to be fair. Because what about her sisters and brothers, and her mom and dad, and MY mom, and everyone who needed her so badly?
I guess you can’t make sense out of something that will never make sense. And I also guess that I don’t really mind that sometimes it hurts really bad. And sometimes it hurts other people really-really bad. Because other times, it’s given us a chance to kind-of make sense of the things that are left in our lives that are worth trying to make sense of.
Your heart and your body remembers things. And it’s ok to be sad sometimes.
